Living with Pain

I've had a bad back for years, apparently wear and tear through years of hard work in the garden. At first it was fine, it was probably more of an irritation, a backwards stretch and I was ok for another half hour of graft. With the passage of time, as the seasons rolled along my back became so painful that at the end of a day in the garden I would be on all fours with tears in my eyes.

I've been through the system with the NHS, seeing three doctors, two neurology consultants and an osteopath. I've had x-rays taken, MRI scans, injections into my spine and acupuncture. I've been prescribed the most horribly strong drugs. Codeine is an awful drug that is far too easily prescribed, just after a few weeks my body became totally addicted to it, thankfully no more.

At the bottom of my despair with my problem I turned it back in on myself. My pain became a my Koan. What is pain? and who is it that is experiencing the pain. I remembered to old Buddhist quote :-

Meditation is essential in getting to the root of pain. Zazen is the sword that cuts through suffering.
I was trying to push away my pain, to block it out completely, which in itself seems to be a completely 'normal' thing to do. If you have a headache the 'normal' thing to do is to take an aspirin. But by taking pain killers I was negating the existence of pain. Pain is there, it has its existence, It has to live.

I had to learn to acknowledge and accept my pain, I had to learn to give it respect and the hardest thing was that I had to give it love. I saw into my delusion of thinking that the feelings of pain and irritation were bad and that the feelings of happiness and joy were good. A feeling is just a feeling there is no good or bad, its only what we attach to it that causes the problem.

Pain is now a part of my life, this is the life I have. I have this body for the rest of my life and if I choose to attach to pain, my suffering will be life long. I choose to be present in my life so pain comes and pain goes, joy comes and goes, life changes naturally.

Arthritic back pain is now as sacred to me as the feeling of deep joy.

Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional. I choose not to take that option anymore.